Jokes of the day

Posted: May 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

I’ve got fat arms so I walk to a trainer for some advice, he goes: hmmm you can do some push-ups but some shit is just genetic.

Rick Santorum doesn’t think kids should go to college. I think he’s got a point, what this country needs is more self-taught doctors.

Guys work on their abs so they can have that moment before sex when they take their shirts off and say: you made the right choice.

Athletes want to play in New York because there’s no better work-out than running for your life in Central Park.

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Joke of the day

Posted: May 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

justin bieber and serena gomez at the nba game
Do not take your girlfriend to the NBA because she will get bored…

I saw a dude come in and take a look around and then leave while I was pumping the iron at the gym today. Wonder what that was about, then I did some serious thinking and figured there are only 3 explanations to such behavior:
1. He forgot to change.
2. He left his towel in the car.
3. “Fuck this, I don’t belong here”.

Jokes of the day

Posted: April 27, 2012 in coco jokes

Scientists are on the verge of inventing a male birth-control patch. Here’s how it works, you put on the patch and it reminds you to tell your girlfriend to take her birth-control pill.

When president Obama stopped at a diner yesterday, a young female college student accidentally spilled yoghurt on him. After hearing this Bill Clinton said: of course yoghurt, that’s what I should’ve said.

The dog whisper Cesar Millan is getting a divorce. Apparently his wife caught him whispering in their dog’s ear: guess what, you are not the only bitch in this house.

According to a new study that just came out, watching porn may shut down part of your brain, Specifically the part that tells you: you are at work and you should pull up your pants.

I went to see the avengers in my batman outfit, thought it’d be cool but it turned out batman is not in the movie. My avengers movie review: the worst batman movie ever.

An ultimate fighting champion has been banned after testing positive for marijuana. People thought he might be stoned when he entered the ring and said: what are we fighting for …(pause)… ultimately?

Chloe Kardashian is refusing to take a paternity test to determine if she’s actually a Kardashian. She said: I think my record of fame without talent speaks for itself.

A woman walked away from a car crash uninjured because of her 38-triple-k-breasts acted as air bags. The accident was caused when the other driver got distracted by a woman with 38-triple-k-breasts.

Yesterday Bill Clinton told the crowd: remember me, I’m the guy who gave you 4 surplus budgets. To this the crow replied: that’s not what we remember you for.

Facebook may change its account policy and allow kids under 13 to join. When they heard this Chinese officials said: great, now our workers will never get anything done.

Jokes of the Day

Posted: April 9, 2012 in coco jokes

Melissa Gilbert was suffered from a concussion on Dancing with the Stars. It’s the first time anyone connected with that show has seen stars.

The Seattle city council has just decided to classify a woman’s right to breast feed as a civil right, also a civil right: a man’s right to watch.

3 teachers have come to claim the mega-million lottery, they all said they’d remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids if you work hard and study, it won’t mean crap unless you win a lottery.

According to a new study that just came out: it’s possible for women to experience a second kind of orgasm, still no word on the what the first kind is.

Pizza Hut is coming up with a pizza stuffed with hot dogs in the crust. Burger King is testing out a bacon sundae. You know when things are getting out of hands in this country when MacDonalds have become a healthy alternative.

Yahoo announced the firing of 2000 employees, in an effort to figure out what prompted the layoffs, yahoo employees spent hours googling the answer.

Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he’s a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn’t qualify because he has a wife and a job.

Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn’t insane.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It’s not helping that the cover of the book says, “Written by Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend.”

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won’t make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball.

A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it’s easier to see what is coming when you’re driving at 11 miles an hour.

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy.

In several of the Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. These are the same people who think Super Tuesday is Superman’s birthday.

President Obama just had a physical exam. He had it today and his doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I’m really starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country.

— Conan O’brien