Archive for the ‘coco jokes’ Category

Jokes of the day

Posted: January 27, 2013 in coco jokes

It’s been reported that if you are playing Angry Birds, the company is tracking your location. It may seem silly to you but that’s how we got Bin Laden.

Customers are complaining about subway’s foot long sub is only 11 inches. Subway, I know what you are going through.

There’s a new app that tells you how smart your dog is. Here’s how it works, if you buy the app, your dog is smarter than you.

Tom cruise has made his first public comment on his divorce with katie holmes. In the comment he said he didnt see it coming. of course he didnt because katie holmes left the divorce paper on top of the fridge.

It’s been reported that half of Justin Biebers 37 million twitter followers are fake. More disturbingly, the other half are real.

Quentin Tarentino had to alter Django Unchained so it can be shown in China, and its become Django escapes iPad factory.

Jokes of the day

Posted: September 18, 2012 in coco jokes, jimmy fallon

According to a new research, heavier men last longer in bed. But that includes the time they spend looking for their penis.

MacDonalds announced they are gonna start posting for the first time ever their calorie count of their menu items. Not to be outdone, Cinnabon announced they would start posting their death toll.

The Dalai Lama said it’s time for humanity to abandon religion. Man sounds like someone just got dumped.

The oldest person on facebook is a 101-year-old woman. She said: I wanna waste what little time I have left.

During the republican convention, a group of conservative gays threw a party called homocon. People said it’s just like comiccon but less gay.

Cinnabon has been working to develop the Cinnabon pizza. We are also developing the new type 3 diabetes.

Scientists have discovered that there is such a thing as breast orgasm. So sorry ladies that’s one more orgasm you are gonna have to fake.

During last night’s debate, Mitt Romney said he loves big bird. Which is even more awkward since the question was: can you explain your tax plan.

The highly anticipated video game NBA2K13 hits stores this week. It is very realistic. In fact as soon as you win, a kardashian shows up and marries you.

While campaigning in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like: burrito? And Romney was like: hey there Burrito, my name is Mitt Romney.

President Obama called Mitt Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. And then Romney said: I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.

According a report that just came out, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. Yeah this is bad news for Americans and worse news for those Mexicans who have to tunnel all the way to Canada.

A website has posted photos of retired playboy bunnies who are now in their sixties. Yeah to see their entire breasts, you just need to keep scrolling down.

The developer who was responsible for Apple Map fail was fired. Before he left the company he asked for the letter of recommendation and directions home.

A new study shows that over 70% of married women prefer sleeping to having sex. When asked, my wife said: what’s the distinction?

Apple has sold over 2 million iPhone5s in China, so even in China the best gifts are the ones your kids make.

Over the weekend a man was arrested trying to break into Taylor Swift’s house, it’s a good thing Police arrived cos we know one thing Taylor’s not good at is holding onto a man.

Jokes of the day

Posted: July 23, 2012 in coco jokes, jimmy fallon

Police in California just burnt 34,000 marijuana plants that were growing in the state park. The police were very angry about finding all that weed until the wind changed directions.

Investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. Now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.

ABC is launching a dancing with stars online game where fans can virtually dance with the stars of the show. It’s great, now you can pretend to dance with the pretend version of a pretend celebrity.

While discussing the US policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that president Obama has ‘a big stick’. In related news, Joe Biden is banned from the white house steam room.

A new study found that being a vegetarian actually improves your mood, while talking about being a vegetarian just ruins everyone else’s mood.

A true story: a hunter in Florida mistakenly shot his girlfriend in the leg because he thought she was a wild hog. But other than that it was a really nice anniversary.

It turns out a sperm donor in the UK may have single-handedly fathered 600 children. Yeah and I mean single-handedly.

Police had been called to help a guy who locked himself in handcuffs in a sex shop. The guy would have called his girlfriend but she hadn’t been inflated yet.

A study found that looking at something green can boost creativity. Although not as much as smoking something green.

It was announced that North Korea leader Kim Jong un got married. Of course it was embarrassing on their wedding night when he was unable to launch any missiles.

Jokes of the day

Posted: July 18, 2012 in coco jokes, jimmy fallon

Yahoo’s new CEO Marisa Mayer is 6-months pregnant. Apparently she was able to hide her pregnancy by only posting it on Yahoo.

Apple has announced it’s gonna be unveiling a new smaller iPad that they say is aimed at women. Not to be outdone, Amazon announces it’s gonna soon unveil the vibrating kindle.

The Knicks let Jeremy Lin go to the Houston Rockets. If that weren’t bad enough – they had Jason Kidd drive him to the airport.

During last night USA-Brazil basketball game, president Obama gave Mitchell Obama a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. It was cute. It explains why everyone’s like: quick, put him on the fix-the-economy cam.

When Mitt Romney was in charge of the Salt Lake City Olympics, some of the uniforms were made in Burma. That is ridiculous, you don’t make American uniforms in Burma, you make them in China.

A group of protesters crashed a van into Microsoft’s headquarters in Athens. When they heard van crashed, Microsoft was like: we make vans?

A United Airlines passenger filed a complaint after a maintenance man dropped super glue on her head on a flight to Houston. I don’t know what’s scarier that a passenger got super glue on her head or the United fix their planes with super glue.

The federal government is planning to close the largest medical marijuana store in the world. It shouldn’t be hard since the owner has forgotten to open it for like 5 years.

A high school in Indiana is requiring every student to buy an iPad instead of using textbooks, that’s nothing, in China they are requiring every student to make an iPad instead of using textbooks.

The CEO of T-Mobile resigned so that he can spend more time with his family. He actually resigned 3 years ago but the text just went through.

Campaign update: president Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said until you find the guy, I’m still your best choice.

The Heat had a great plan for getting Lebron to play better in the 4th quarter: telling him there was a 5th quarter.

Speaking of Lebron James, he revealed he just finished reading all 3 books in the Hunger Games trilogy. The bad news is he did last night during the 4th quarter.

A new survey found out that only 31% of the Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset he was like: I don’t understand, how would they get on my private jet?

There was a big Twitter outage in the US today. Or people at work put it: well guess I’d better get back to Facebook.

China will send its first female astronaut into space, which sounds pretty awesome until you hear that cos her parents already have a boy.

A restaurant in Texas is rewarding customers who place their order in Spanish with a free pizza, while the restaurant in Arizona is rewarding customers who do that with a free trip back to Mexico.

Scientists are testing a robotic lifeguard that wave with the swimmer until help arrives. So you can slowly be electrocuted while you drown.

Jokes of the day

Posted: April 27, 2012 in coco jokes

Scientists are on the verge of inventing a male birth-control patch. Here’s how it works, you put on the patch and it reminds you to tell your girlfriend to take her birth-control pill.

When president Obama stopped at a diner yesterday, a young female college student accidentally spilled yoghurt on him. After hearing this Bill Clinton said: of course yoghurt, that’s what I should’ve said.

The dog whisper Cesar Millan is getting a divorce. Apparently his wife caught him whispering in their dog’s ear: guess what, you are not the only bitch in this house.

According to a new study that just came out, watching porn may shut down part of your brain, Specifically the part that tells you: you are at work and you should pull up your pants.

I went to see the avengers in my batman outfit, thought it’d be cool but it turned out batman is not in the movie. My avengers movie review: the worst batman movie ever.

An ultimate fighting champion has been banned after testing positive for marijuana. People thought he might be stoned when he entered the ring and said: what are we fighting for …(pause)… ultimately?

Chloe Kardashian is refusing to take a paternity test to determine if she’s actually a Kardashian. She said: I think my record of fame without talent speaks for itself.

A woman walked away from a car crash uninjured because of her 38-triple-k-breasts acted as air bags. The accident was caused when the other driver got distracted by a woman with 38-triple-k-breasts.

Yesterday Bill Clinton told the crowd: remember me, I’m the guy who gave you 4 surplus budgets. To this the crow replied: that’s not what we remember you for.

Facebook may change its account policy and allow kids under 13 to join. When they heard this Chinese officials said: great, now our workers will never get anything done.

Jokes of the Day

Posted: April 9, 2012 in coco jokes

Melissa Gilbert was suffered from a concussion on Dancing with the Stars. It’s the first time anyone connected with that show has seen stars.

The Seattle city council has just decided to classify a woman’s right to breast feed as a civil right, also a civil right: a man’s right to watch.

3 teachers have come to claim the mega-million lottery, they all said they’d remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids if you work hard and study, it won’t mean crap unless you win a lottery.

According to a new study that just came out: it’s possible for women to experience a second kind of orgasm, still no word on the what the first kind is.

Pizza Hut is coming up with a pizza stuffed with hot dogs in the crust. Burger King is testing out a bacon sundae. You know when things are getting out of hands in this country when MacDonalds have become a healthy alternative.

Yahoo announced the firing of 2000 employees, in an effort to figure out what prompted the layoffs, yahoo employees spent hours googling the answer.

Recently at the White House, President Obama admitted he’s a Trekkie. Although Trekkies say he doesn’t qualify because he has a wife and a job.

Today Allegiant Airlines will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn’t insane.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime boyfriend Stedman Graham has written a book about being proud of who you are. It’s not helping that the cover of the book says, “Written by Oprah Winfrey’s boyfriend.”

An investment group headed by Magic Johnson has reached a deal to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. Magic said he won’t make any major changes other than the Dodgers will now play basketball.

A recent report shows that pot smokers get into fewer car crashers than drunk people. Then again, it’s easier to see what is coming when you’re driving at 11 miles an hour.

Since Saturday, Apple has sold 3 million iPads. So to the Chinese workers who made them — juice boxes all around. Celebrate, kids. Be happy.

In several of the Super Tuesday states, a third of the voters still believe that President Obama was born in a foreign country. These are the same people who think Super Tuesday is Superman’s birthday.

President Obama just had a physical exam. He had it today and his doctor said Obama is physically active, eats a healthy diet, and stays at a healthy weight. So now I’m really starting to doubt whether Obama was born in this country.

— Conan O’brien